"Pray through"?! Pray through What?

I'd like to think of myself as a good Christian. I mean, I don't mean to sound self-righteous or anything, but I do take my faith seriously. I'm proud to be follower of Christ, and though I may not always be the best at it, I am glad to be here.

In part of being a faithful Christian, I believe prayer is something that's very important. Everything I gather from scripture seems to support this notion that God wants to hear our prayers and will in fact lend an ear to listen. It's really humbling to think that the Creator of all things actually wants to listen to prayers. Not something that would be on the top of my list if I was omnipotent, but whatever, I'm not God. I'm just glad that He does.

There's great commentary by theologians like Simon Chan, Karl Barth, and Phillip Yancey on prayer. I feel like Jürgen Moltmann's got stuff too. But since this is a blog and not a theology paper, you're not really gonna see any of their comments here. If you're interested, just let me know and maybe I'll comment on my blog about what they have to say about prayer.

So I think about the idea that I'm supposed to give my burdens to God. It sounds really good, and it has helped me before. This week, I did just that. I offered God the things of this life that really weigh me down in prayer. The only problem was that when I prayed, I actually felt worse. Hmm. Something doesn't seem right about that. I think of songs like "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" which the next line says "all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer". Great song. It's a classic. I recommend it. Good memories too. For whatever reason, I liked when my mom sang it when I was growing up. Pretty voice, really.

Anyway, back to the point. If you check out the lyrics for the rest of the song, it goes on that same theme that God can take our burdens from us in prayer. The song is one of encouragement to other believers. I'm all for it. Then I think of an older hymn "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus". Great lyrics on this one. Really. I highly recommend checking this one out too. Some lines include: "just to take him at His word, just to rest upon His promise, and to know 'Thus saith the Lord'" and "I'm so glad I learned to trust thee"

All of this sounds great. And personally, while they may be older songs, I like to sing them. They carry a nice tune, connect me to my Christian heritage and other denominations, and have great lyrics that are saturated with faith statements.

Yet, I ran into a problem this week. How is it that I can pray and actually feel WORSE than when I started? And when I mean worse, I mean like having to stop praying because I'm thinking of everything else that bugs me which makes me exhausted and then I have to stop and go right to sleep at 11pm. Now to some of you, that might seem healthy, but I'm a college student. Going to bed at 2am is just what I do. If the aforementioned songs and scriptures are true, what am I missing? I mean, I'm supposed to pray, right? I can't just ignore what comes onto my heart to pray about. Ultimately, I came down to a couple of possible conclusions. 1. Prayer is fake. 2. I'm not effectively praying. 3. God wants me to carry my burdens.

Now as for #1, I have to be honest with you. I'm a Christian who believes in prayer, even with the difficult week. I've had past experiences that seems to support its efficacy as well as the testimony of others and the accounts of Scripture. If we're gonna take this one, I think we also have to challenge the existence of God and the legitimacy of his Word because of its support for prayer. Believe me, I'm not trying to brush that discussion under the rug--it's just not the focus of this blog. For the purposes of this discussion, I'm presupposing that God exists and he does want to hear the prayers of all people as he says in his Word. Sorry if that assumes too much for some readers.

#2 poses an interesting question. How do I know if I'm effectively praying? Well, I compartmentalize all day, and then when it's the end of the day and I'm doing homework, all of the things that I haven't thought about catch up with me. Being that I really don't feel like talking about it to anyone (that's healthy for someone who wants to be a psychologist, right? I promise, I'm getting better at this.), God seems like a great candidate. After all, if I believe he's always there and willing to listen to my prayers, he'd be able to listen to my problems, right?

For this question, two dear friends of mine had some short, but meaningful things to say about it. Both of the ideas were not mine, so please don't give me credit for them. The first one came from a friend of mine who said she established a relationship with a relative that was based on communication over all the things that went wrong during her time in college. After a while, she caught how her relationship was being defined by this negative form of communication and took measures to change it. Both parties were much happier when communication expanded in this way.

Another friend of mine mentioned how a friend of his would frequently vent to him over problems and afterwards they were able to pray together about it. Through this, he said that his friend was able to lay out everything on the table to a tangible living force (in this case, my friend). After that had been done, some release had been made because of the immediate feedback, whether it would be advice or just a simple affirmation of listening to his friend's needs. From there, prayer seemed easier because the issues had already been laid out and God was listening to it all anyway. The community of believers expressed through this friendship helped that person effectively pray. This person was not lost in the circumstance because the circumstance was well enumerated to another person. After that, it was just a matter of asking God for support and guidance.

Both of these stories press the importance of communication. I tried these tips this morning. I prayed while in bed, "God, thanks for today. I'm glad I woke up at a reasonable time and that I'm able to move." It was simple, but let me tell you--it really set my day differently. I wasn't thinking about how my next prayer was going to be this cathartic expression. Rather, any heavy prayers would just flow right along with the light hearted thank you's.

And let me add this. If you're a private person like me (Please don't laugh! I know I'm posting publicly on a blog, but this does have a purpose. I really don't think entries like this are for me.), you don't have to mention what's actually bugging you. Today, I talked to a couple of people about how I was having a tough time praying. Just hearing other people telling me that they had tough times too or were currently going through them helped me. I didn't feel alone when I opened up to the community. This didn't mean that I was asking them what they were going through and they didn't ask me. And honestly, that was enough.

Back to the list. #3 - God wants me to bear the burdens. Listen, you are not going to hear Gustavo Gutierrez's liberation theology or Jimmy Swaggart's prosperity gospel from me. What, did Jesus die on a cross because he didn't have enough faith. Give me a break. I'm a firm believer of 1 Peter 4:12-13. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

Okay, I realize this may make me sound pessimistic or too much like an existential therapist who assumes anxiety is a part of life that can never actually be removed. (by the way, I'm not hating on existential therapists. I think you guys are great.) However, I also believe in the words Jesus spoke in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So it may be very possible that God is asking me to carry these burdens. However, the key thing here is that God is not asking me to carry these burdens alone. That's a distinct difference. As a Christian, I should believe that God is in control, but not to the point that I should expect God to kiss my boo-boo and make "evweything all betta". This life is work. The scriptures don't joke about it. This earth is not heaven. Everything will be justified in heaven and made right in that existence. But for now, I'm here in an imperfect world with imperfect people.

And this made me think really hard. In these prayers, what was it that I was REALLY looking for. For that kiss? For God to prophecy into my heart and tell me what was going to be the end result of my prayer? If He did, would I even believe Him? I don't know what to say about that, except that I needed to look hard into myself and my goals of prayer.

And this is where I'll bring in Phillip Yancey. At least I think Yancey said something about this. Either way, what I'm trying to say is prayer doesn't function for us to change the will of God--it's to align us with his will. To change our hearts to line up better with His. Reflecting on the Lord's Prayer, it's "thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" It's not my kingdom and not my will. I'm asking for God's when I pray this prayer. Though you or I may be in hard times, our prayer is to ask for God's will to be done and believe that it will be so, even if it is not our will.

For those of you who made it to the end of this blog, thanks. I hope that you take something good from this. I wrote this because I know a common Christian response for hard times is to "just pray through" when something is bothering you. But what if prayer is actually the problem, as it was for me earlier this week? I'm asking tough questions for those who aren't sure if it's safe to ask them. Frankly, I'm at a point where I know I'm not the only one who has wrestled with this, so if it's not safe, too bad.

As for me, I learned that I need to accept that God is sovereign over what is happening in my life. He has made the events of my life occur for a purpose. He does love me, and will allow me to go through suffering. He didn't spare His only Son from it. I really shouldn't expect a perfect life just yet. But because my God loves me like crazy, he'll listen to my moans and groans. He'll be there with me through it all. And best of all, he's not someone who just passively listens and can only tell you that he's sorry for you. Our God is capable of action. Remember, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Passion in Hope

So I went to bed at about 2AM on Sunday, excited to go to church for the first time in almost a month. I had been preaching at other places, so I hadn't had the chance to go to my church in Lakeland for quite a while. I went to sleep thinking I'd wear something nice in the daytime. A lavender shirt, a Florentine tie, my new Express pinstripe pants, and my polished black shoes. I was too tired to iron my shirt and tie my tie that night, so I figured I'd just do it in the morning. Wake up at 8:30AM, catch that Chartwells breakfast, get to ironing, get to tying, and get to driving.

To be fair, I woke up at 8:30AM, except that I figured I could just make oatmeal in my house. With that decided, I went back to sleep. The only problem was, I woke up at 10:17AM thanks to my brother's random text and I was still in my pajamas. Church started in under 45 minutes and took about 20 minutes to get to. I told myself, I'm a college student. Plenty of college students (let alone church-going college students) miss out on church. I'd be fine.

The only problem was, I couldn't go back to sleep in that mindset. So, I got up about five minutes later, brushed my teeth, and took a much needed shower. For whatever reason, I didn't feel rushed. This is rather strange considering just the night before, I was excited to get to church. Not only that, if this had been a class I was late to or a presentation I needed to get to, I know I would have been moving much faster.

Well, it's 11AM and I still need to iron my shirt. No biggie. I'm already late anyway, might as well take my time. So I have a banana. (This is going well, can you tell?) Now that the shirt is done, it's time to get this tie going. Except for the life of me, I couldn't get it done right. 15 minutes go by with the tie either being too short, or too long, or just looking funny. Finally I head out the door and make it into church by 11:40AM.

The drive over wasn't much fun. I took Polk Parkway and sacrificed $1.00 to do it. The whole time I'm thinking, "If I was as excited as I said I was, why wasn't my shirt ironed and my tie tied yesterday?" Other questions buzzed in my head, "If I was preaching this morning, would I really have taken this much time? If I was leading a Sunday school class? What if it was for a college class?" Every answer was no.

I finally make it to church and I've missed worship and all of the announcements. Great. Hope the sermon goes well. Turns out it does. Very simple and to the point. Something about not wasting our lives. Now, I have to be fair here, but I also wanna be transparent: I loved the message, but sometimes when my head isn't in it I can get lost in grammatical errors and allusions to scripture. All in all though, I felt like he had a lot of great things to say.

Well, the preacher says that he's done but now it's time to allow the Holy Ghost to work. I knew what this meant. I grew up in a Pentecostal, Assemblies of God home. This meant people were free to leave as they pleased and that there would be no formal dismissal. No problem, you won't get any complaint out of me.

But for one of the few times in my life I realized something--there's no one holding me here. I have no meeting to get to, no kids to pick up, no wife that needs to do something, no parents to take care of things with. It's just me here. If I want to leave, I can. If I want to stay I can.

So I decide to stay. It's about 12:45pm at this point. I figure, if I head out at like 1:20pm, I can still make it to the campus restaurant and not have to buy myself lunch. Okay Lord, let's see what I'm here for. I figure if I felt bothered enough to still go to church knowing I was going to be late, something had to be in store for me.

Yet, I sat there and felt nothing. I looked around and saw people praying, crying, holding each other--but I felt nothing. This was strange to me. Cognitively, I knew that the Holy Spirit is still living and active. In fact, I felt that I could discern that was occurring in front of me was legitimately spiritual. Except, I felt no emotional tug. This concerned me heavily. So I closed my eyes and sang along with whatever the worship team was singing. "How Great is Our God" I think. In that moment, I knew something was off.

I could sing the words without hesitation. I earnestly believe my God is great. I believe that His holy scriptures are true. I believe that the Holy Spirit can still do miracles. In fact, some were happening right in front of me. And yet, I felt no emotional tug. What was wrong with me? I wanted to have the joy of the Spirit like I saw some around me. I wanted to cry in the beauty of what was around me. And yet, nothing!

I sat there and thought, what is my motivation for being here in this moment? I realized it was obedience. I felt that God wanted me there because he had my attention. I still had no idea what I was supposed to get out of all of this, but still I figured, it couldn't hurt to stay for a little while longer...except that it's now 1:45pm. Well, looks like I'm missing out on lunch with the snow birds in my cafeteria. Taco Bell anyone? Maybe I'd treat myself to a chalupa. Sub-beans of course. :)

Anyway, I sat there thinking, "there's gotta be something more here." In a quiet voice, I asked God for hope. Hope that my life would turn out okay. That despite the challenges in store, God would see me through. And then I realized something--this is a pretty consistent prayer of mine. Has God been reduced to a wish-granter in my life? When I was just about to seal the bag that made me feel like crap, I felt God say to me, "Passion comes when you hope to see the things I can do."

And then it hit me: Why are the people around me so emotionally aroused in the Spirit? It's because there's hope that the God they believe in, the Spirit they put their trust in, has the capacity to change lives in the ways he promises he can change them. And in some point, I had lost it. Not that I had fallen away, and not that I didn't believe. I preached a message of hope to hundreds these past few months, yet did it because I cognitively knew this is what the Scripture teach. I believed it to be so without hesitation. Yet in my heart of hearts, I had lost the hope for God's plan in my life.

That's a difficult thing to say, and quite honestly, it's embarrassing to see on the screen. Yet, I mention this because some of you reading this have felt exactly what I have felt. Seeing faith and hope as something that's good for everyone else, but just not applicable to the circumstances of your life. Maybe it's something you should have, or maybe it's something you can get a better grasp of when things start turning up.

God's Spirit isn't done with you yet. Even if you are. I found out that my motivations for serving God were getting lost in the serving--writing sermons, teaching classes, etc. With that, my passions were in the wrong place. My passion is to be found in be belief that lives can be changed with the truth that God has shared with all of us. It's not shared in a moment, but by ongoing interactions with a Spirit who can't keep his hands off of us.

So where does this all begin?

The passion for change is found in the hope that change is possible.